A New York City Sidewalk Year

It’s June of 2014.  I’m walking down a side walk in the middle of Manhattan.  Having grown up in a small town and not being accustomed to the busy noise of cities, I will remember this moment very clearly. Around me is total chaos.  People are walking in all directions on all my sides with masks of very distinct purpose and position. They are all so busy and determined! Everyone seems to know exactly where they are going and what they are going to do there. In their masked midst are screeching cars and beeping cabs that too seemed determined. So determined, in fact, that I’m concerned they may run into each other. Above me, the clouds even seem to fly. Their wisp and rhythm that back home seemed so peaceful and drifting, here appears to be running away from the hot sun, as it is making the wet, heavy air so hot that the whole island seems to be less of a city and more of a boiling pot of people and cars and noise and chaos.  In the midst of it all, I stop in something like awe just to take it all in.  But before I can take in the around and above, the below starts to (if you will) rumble! It honestly scares me a little at first, but then I realize the rumbling below me is the subway. So not only the above and around me, but even the below me is speeding chaotically.  And here I am, in the middle of it all.

It’s June of 2015. I’m walking down an overrated isle to shake hands with men and women I’ve never met before—my high school administrators. I receive a piece of paper in a faux leather case and then sit down, a chorus of names being read in my ears, to only perk up at the names of my friends or at least acquaintances. I then wave to and hug about one million people and take about one million pictures with everyone from my best friend and boyfriend to the guy I went to Prom with 2 years ago and the girl I sung next to in choir. To all these people, I smile. In all these pictures, I smile.  Based on everyone’s figurative and literal photographic memories of this day, I am so happy and excited. But that’s kind of not the case.

That June day of 2015 felt much like the June day of 2014 that has been described above.  Besides having an awful cold that made me feel dizzy and tired, having had little to no sleep for the past month (and essentially three years), and having had to wake up extra early that morning to take my long procrastinated senior pictures, which by the way had induced a terrible, mean fight with my Mother, I really was just kind of sad.  Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t have been happier with the knowledge that I wouldn’t have to wake up the next Monday morning for my 7:30 a.m. first period Physics class; and I was thrilled to never again have to deal with the pressures of everything from Prom dresses to AP tests.  But I had just had so much fun in high school, particularly my senior year.  When in the middle of my senior year, I was also in the middle of age 17 (one of the better ages, dancing queen, etc.,) an amazing group of friends, some really great classes and teachers, a super cute boyfriend and young happy love, a cute car to drive to school, rehearsals of plays that I loved, and so much support.  It seemed like my whole life I had been auditioning for a Hollywood movie and had finally got the chance to shine on the screen.  My life was perfect. I even remember thinking that: “my life is absolutely perfect right now. Seriously nothing is wrong.”

So. Clearly graduating from 6 a.m. to 1 a.m. schedules, awkward avoided 15-year-old cuddles, and an environment that often seemed to be centered around insecurity was great. But graduating from literally feeling like a movie star was not great.  Walking down the overrated isle to do the most anticlimactic thing I’ve ever done really did feel much like walking down the side walk in New York.  We all seemed to have actual masks of distinct purpose and position plastered on our faces as happy smiles, when really we were all at least a little scared.  We all walked like we knew exactly where we were going next and what we were going to do there, as if any of us really had that all figured out.  Everyone and everything around us, despite being a unique and new distraction that we yearned to figure out, was treated as a mere obstacle.  I felt that the sky was hot and the pressure was on.  I was no longer going to have the wonderful security of great teachers and mentors, awesome friends, carelessly fun nights, a lead role in the play, and a wonderful boyfriend to have fun being and dancing with at every event and party.  Graduation meant that teachers and mentors that had told you what to do your whole life were now asking you what you were going to do with your life.  It meant saying goodbye to your best friends, as you all went on missions or to different colleges.  It meant that now you had to be much more careful on your carelessly fun nights, as all the sudden you were responsible for a lot more than just being home by midnight.  It meant you weren’t the star of the show anymore, as it turns out the world is much bigger than your high school.  It meant you had to make decisions bigger than you’d even ever thought about.  And it meant for me that my boyfriend was leaving for two years to serve a mission.  I really wasn’t very excited about graduation.

It’s June of 2016.  I have had a bit of a crazy year—a New York City side walk year, if you will.  It has been full of new people and new things and new decisions and this chaotic impulse to want to understand it all despite the fact that it seems I’m being pushed to walk too fast to even decide where to go next.

June of 2016 began what will forever be known in my mind as a summer of thought (or something like that). And now, August of 2016, I’d like to talk about some of these thoughts.  You see, one learns a lot between the summer they graduate high school and the summer after that.  And before that summer ends, I’d like to list and expound on some of those lessons.

1.    Odds are, you already know a lot of things. In this summer of thinking and attempting to list the things I’ve learned, I’ve realized that much of what I’ve “learned” are things that I’ve always known.  Your teachers and mentors want to ask you what you’re going to do with your life because they simply want to see what you’re doing with what they have been teaching you all along.  It’s okay to feel confused and frustrated, but it’s not okay to use that as an excuse to not move.  So many people my age like to just pause game because they don’t know what to do.  But the fact is, nobody ever knows what to do until they do it.  You learn by doing.  And from a religious perspective, if you ask, God gives you the knowledge that you need the moment you need it.  Hence, you already know all that you need to to start moving.  So move.

2.    As expressed above, you’ll never know what you’re doing.  You always think “by the time I’m this age, I’ll be ready for this.”  When in Jr. High I would think “when I start dating, I’ll be so smooth and know exactly how to act and what to say.” When I was in high school I would think “when I’m 18 I’ll totally be ready to move out and go to college, I’ll know where to go and what to do” and “when it’s time for him to leave on his mission, I’ll be ready and know I can do it.” Well, I quite frankly didn’t feel ready for any of those things.  And I have no idea what I’m doing.  So at this point I’m trying to push away the “when I’m engaged I’ll be ready to be a wife” and especially the “when I’m pregnant I’ll be ready to be somebody’s MOTHER” thoughts.  Because let’s be real, I won’t be ready.  I’ll feel completely inadequate and ill-prepared no matter what it is and how old I am.  But I think all of us feel that.  And the fact is you can learn as you go, and really therefore always be ready and prepared.  We’re all just faking it till be make it.

3.    It’s okay to not know what you’re doing.  This is one that’s been really hard for me to accept.  I’ve always been the type of person that likes to have a plan, but recently I’ve become a much more spontaneous person (a quality I’m happy to have recently developed).  I’ve also always had the worst decision making skills, but am also getting better at that (another very good thing).  I think these recent new traits are side effects of my current state in life.  Everything I do seems to be spontaneous.  I have to quickly make decisions and just go with them.  I really can only plan for the next 4 months at a time, and that’s only because that is the length of a semester!  I often feel like I have a better idea of what my life will look like in 10 years than in 10 months.  World, I have no idea what I’m doing.  But I’m doing it.  Go team.

4.    Also though. God really does give knowledge when it is needed for those that are prayerful and worthy.  When my little brother was about 10 years old, he got really in to sports trivia.  And seriously it was impressive.  You could ask him random questions like “who was the quarterback of the University of Utah football team in 1982?” and he’d know the answer.  It was kind of amazing.  He seemed to remember and yearn to talk about all things sports related.  So my Dad, really wanting to connect with his son, did his own sports trivia research simply so that he could ask my brother questions like “how does this team compare to last year’s?” and “who do you predict will win this tournament?”  He so wanted to talk to and connect with his son, and that was the best way to do it.  God is our Heavenly Father.  He loves us more than we can imagine.  He yearns to speak to us and hear from us.  He will speak to us in whatever way he can.  And whether it be by an angel or a bumper sticker, we better listen.

5.    You pretty much have every reason to feel really confident.  Don’t be selfish and cocky.  But be confident.  I spent lots of life feeling pointlessly insecure, as many teenage girls did.  What a waste of time!  Not to sound like a motivational speaker, but (*proceeds to sound like a motivational speaker*) the world is a beautiful place full of beautiful people and you are one of them.  Get to know people, and get to know yourself.  I grew up singing the song “I am a Child of God” at church every Sunday, and am just now really realizing the magnitude of that. God is the ultimate artist, and He created you. What more do you want?

6.    Religion is more important than you might think.  I’ve grown up as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  We often talk of “ward families” in our church.  I’ve always appreciated the friendships, support, and comradery that comes through being in a ward family and being a member of this church, or I’m sure any church for that matter.  But it wasn’t until my first semester away from family that I realized how truly important it is.  A religious group can become a family away from your family.  People need each other.  People need friends, support, and help, and I really am so thankful to be a member of a church that gives me all those things.  And above that, knowing that there is a God Who loves you is necessary to experience the fullest kind of happiness.  Which is a really bold statement.  I’d encourage everyone to think about that one.

7.    Things really do work out.  They just do.  I don’t know how, but they do.  You simply need to be good and do good and love, and they work out. 

8.    Remember We Bought a Zoo and “twenty seconds of insane courage?” The majority of decisions are like that.  I expressed this one earlier, but I feel like all my decisions these days are totally spontaneous and then I just have to go with them.  I’ve always tended to think of decisions as these big, grand masses of intimidation that need to be pondered and then re-pondered and then re-pondered again.  And don’t get me wrong, many decisions do need to be thought through thoroughly.  But when it comes down to it, it takes twenty seconds to declare a major.  It takes under twenty seconds to say yes and become someone’s fiancé or SPOUSE.  Which makes everything feel really impulsive.  But you have to remember that you’ve been thinking about these decisions forever, now you just have to make them. And it only takes 20 seconds.  And ya know, twenty seconds of insane courage just isn’t that much to ask.  Decisions can be made.

9.    You know the stupid, cheesy saying “friends come and go, but families are forever?” Well, it’s true.  When your best friends all go their separate ways, and even your closest friends at college you’ve only known for a few months, it’s simply the best thing in the world to just plop on the couch to watch Forrest Gump with your family. And that’s all I have to say about that.

10. People mean well. Even annoying people.  Here’s the deal—clichés are cliché for a reason.  Ever since my senior year of high school, at least 5 or 6 people a day have given me some piece of advice.  Whether it be my Grandpa or the random lady behind the counter of my summer job, everyone has their two sense to share with you.  Which is all good and well, but they all seem to share the same things—very, very cliché things.  Seriously most everyone’s two sense could also be found on one of those Pinterest quote things with a picture that has absolutely nothing to do with the quote.  When this cliché, unsolicited advice giving began to be a thing, it really annoyed me.  I thought, “why are all these people saying the same things? And why do all these random people that have never taken any interest in me all the sudden want to give me advice? If I wanted advice, I’d ask for it.”  And then later, getting more annoyed, I thought, “ya know, all these people really do just say the same things.  It’s like they honestly don’t have anything genuinely productive, helpful or thoughtful to say, so they just say whatever they are supposed to say. People don’t even care enough to think of something personal!  They just give you these recycled ‘it’s a hard time, but a good time,’ ‘make every moment count,’ ‘just work hard, but also have fun,’ and ‘be yourself’ comments and it’s like, “well no duh.  Thank you though, I guess.” 

Earlier I mentioned that I feel like I’m “learning” things that I’ve always known.  It’s as though I’ve learned a lot, but am going through a time of life in which I’m actually realizing all that I’ve learned.  I have probably seen thousands of cute Pinterest quotes (seriously though, I was a 14-year-old girl when Pinterest became a thing), and as expressed above, I’ve heard thousands of people reiterate those quotes to me as though they were deep and important.  And yet now I find myself deeply and importantly thinking things like “every moment counts,” “everything happens for a reason,” and “you can learn something from every person you meet,” and then shortly after realizing that those aren’t deep thoughts, I’ve heard them from everyone all along! But they are important, because they are all true.  And that’s why people say them all the time—they mean them. Granted, sometimes people are just talking with zero substance or thought.  But more often than not, they mean what they say.  They care about you so much that they want you to remember even the tiniest details.  They want you to “remember who you are” ;). Clichés are cliché for a reason.

11. Little things are important.  Just because you can stay up all hours, skip class, eat whatever you want, sleep through church, never exercise, etc., really doesn’t mean you should. You should have fun.  Be spontaneous.  Skip class to go hiking, go on unplanned road trips, and watch movies till 3am on a Tuesday with your roommate occasionally.  But generally speaking, still do good.  Still work hard.  Little, basic things like sleeping at decent times, exercising daily, eating healthy, going to all your church meeting, and doing your homework are actually essential to happiness.  People didn’t tell you to do all that stuff your whole life to bug you, they told you to do those things because they want you to be happy.  Health is still a thing, even when your parents aren’t there.  You’d be surprised at how many people I associated with at school didn’t seem to understand all that.

With that being said, I’d also like to mention that on a deeper level, the little things are important.  Humans structure our lives so intensely. We have strict schedules.  Which, as expressed above is a generally good thing.  But I think many people get too caught up in the mundaneness of it all.  Even on a strict class to class or work to work or this to that daily schedule, one can experience a sense of wonder and awe.  Allow yourself to feel true joy at a perfectly soaked bite of cereal and how blue the sky is.  Think about life your soul and the deeper pieces of it all.  There’s a lot more to life than a schedule.

12. Everyone has something to offer.  One of those clichés ;).  But seriously.  I have had opportunities this summer to associate with people that in high school, for example, I would have immediately judged as annoying or rude.  And now I realize that one can make at least some connection with everyone they meet—even people you don’t necessarily click or vibe with.  You can learn something from everyone, people.  This is a very simple thing that I wish I had learned earlier in life.

13. You can do things that a year ago you would have thought would be impossible for you to ever do.  You just do it.  Again with the 20 seconds of insane courage thing.  I remember always expecting certain things in my life to come/end with some kind of pizazz.  But let’s go back to graduation.  It was the most anticlimactic day of my life.  Life continues.  You can do big things.  A dear friend reminded me today that time goes by anyway, so you may as way fill it instead of just dreaming of what it will later be filled with.  Human beings are capable of doing really hard things.  So much so that even the seemingly hardest can turn out to be not just possible, but really quite simple.  You can do it.

14. Jesus lives, and God is good.  None of these lessons matter if you don’t remember those two things.  Jesus Christ lives.  He loves you.  He is the only begotten Son of our Heavenly Father, our God.  God is good and wants the absolute best for you—a best that can’t even be imagined by our little human minds.  They love us.  They know us.  They are involved in our lives and yearn to help us, we just need to be prayerful and worthy for such help.  And not only does God have a big plan for the vast scales of all humanity, but He has a plan for you individually.  He loves you individually.  Even if you were His only child, He would have created all He created and did all He did even still.  Let me repeat a previous comment: Knowing that there is a God Who loves you is necessary to experience the fullest kind of happiness. So learn it. Know it, and walk down the sidewalk.